


I have to block out thoughts of you

by lucianowriter



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication Failure, Derek Hale is Bad at Feelings, Lots of Angst, M/M, Scott McCall & Stiles Stilinski Friendship, post-3B, talks of overdose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 16:28:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11490243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucianowriter/pseuds/lucianowriter
Summary: Derek left Beacon Hills to save Stiles, but was he really saving him? When word reaches him that Stiles almost died Derek returns. The only thing on his mind is to be there for Stiles, despite his fears.Inspired very loosely by the song Hate Me by Blue October.Started off as a little plot bunny and turned into an 11K word fic.





	I have to block out thoughts of you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Infectedcolors](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Infectedcolors/gifts).



_ Derek? Come on pick up the phone. I know you are there. Please! Just don’t do this to me. _

 

The sadness in Stiles’ voice almost tempts Derek to call him. Almost. Then Derek shakes his head and he remembers why he was doing this in the first place. He needed to get away from Beacon Hills. He needed to escape before he dragged anyone else down with him.

 

Ever since meeting Stiles back in 2011 he had thought that would be enough to keep it all back. To tame the monster inside of him. He had been wrong. In that year alone he watched as people started to die at the hands of a kanima. 

 

A kanima that he created. Even then he tried to convince Stiles of the monster within. Stiles wouldn’t hear anything of it. 

 

_ “Stiles don’t you see? I’m not a good person to have in your life. All I do is create chaos and destruction.” _

 

_ “It is so not your fault that you bit the douchebag Jackson and he became a kanima. You were aiming for werewolf. Totally less destructive. The kanima part was Jackson’s fault.” _

 

_ “You don’t see it. Any of it! Stiles, werewolves are just as bad as kanimas. Especially if they aren’t controlled. You just think werewolves are nothing to worry about because Scott is such a well behaved one.” _

 

_ “Are you forgetting that even on his worst day your little werewolf prodigy, Isaac, is still a spiteful and angry werewolf that wouldn’t even come close to the shit storm created by a kanima?” _

 

_ “I’m not having this argument with you. Just leave Stiles. Leave and never speak to me again.” _

 

Of course, Stiles had left. Only to return the very next day to ask him even more questions about the lives of werewolves. Derek being the weak Alpha that he was couldn’t resist him. He didn’t bother Stiles again about leaving. Not for a while anyways.

 

When Stiles became the Nogitsune it became apparent to Derek that his presence in Stiles’ life was causing nothing but pain and suffering for him as well as his friends. So once again Derek tried to distance himself. That is what led him here. 

 

Derek was sitting in his car on the side of the freeway. He was headed east. He had been on the road for a few months now. Some days he wouldn’t drive at all. Instead he would spend time in some no name town just being himself. Not Derek Hale the orphaned werewolf, but just Derek. 

 

_ Just don’t do this to me. _

 

Derek was sure that now would be the best time for him to help Stiles. After all he knew exactly how it felt to kill someone unintentionally. However, Derek couldn’t do that not right now. Not when he was a mess himself. He couldn’t get closer to Stiles than he already was. He couldn’t let himself love him because if he did then Stiles would end up hurt, or worse. 

 

After all the first person he had ever loved ended up dead in his arms. A victim of Derek’s desires and fears all wrapped up into one teenaged boy. Paige had been so full of life and passion. Then she met Derek and instead of trusting her with his secret he asked his Uncle to make her a werewolf so they wouldn’t have to be different. Derek cradled her as her life left her. That was the first time Derek realized just how much of a monster he really was.

 

Then came the fire. Once again people suffered because he had dared to love someone. Because he had given his heart to Kate his whole family suffered dearly. Derek didn’t care how many people told him that Kate’s actions weren’t his fault, he never believed any of them. He knew the truth. The truth was he had been warned by his mother to watch out for hunters and instead of keeping his guard up he had led a hunter right into his bed. 

 

Kate was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Derek vowed to himself that he would never again be distracted by another human. He would live a life of solitude, keeping others at a distance because it was better that way; safer. Then Stiles came barreling into his life.

 

Stiles was everything Derek wasn’t. He was lively and pure and filled with happiness. Stiles was good. Even though he would sometimes get into trouble with his dad for putting his nose into police investigations, Stiles was never in any real danger. He was just wanting to help. Derek was surly around him because he didn’t know how to handle Stiles’ energy. It was nonstop. However, his wolf didn’t actually mind it. It was his heart and his brain that couldn’t figure it out. 

 

Derek found himself losing all grip on the control he had so carefully built up over the past few years. Stiles spelled disaster because Derek could no longer stop himself from wanting someone. So, instead he tried his hardest to get Stiles to hate him. Derek couldn’t give up his heart anymore because he didn’t deserve it. Derek destroyed everyone he ever touched and Stiles was way too good for that. He didn’t deserve it.

 

Unfortunately, the more he tried to make Stiles hate him the tighter he seemed to cling to Derek. He came around more and more, making up excuse after excuse as to why he was doing it. Derek couldn’t stand it, so he would growl or roll his eyes or physically try to throw Stiles out of his loft. None of it ever worked. Stiles was always there.

 

It truly broke Derek’s heart to abandon him like this in his time of need but, hadn’t he been warning Stiles for the last few years that he wasn’t good for him? That he was a monster? Why hadn’t Stiles just listened? Maybe if he had then his life wouldn’t be falling apart like it is now. 

 

The shrill ring of his phone brings him out of his thoughts. Derek looks at the number on his screen and lets it go to voicemail. Maybe after multiple times of trying to reach him and him not answering Stiles would just give up.

 

Pretty soon Derek hears a beep telling him he has a new voice mail. He opens it up and presses play because he likes to torture himself.

 

_ Derek?! Dude! Seriously?! You aren’t going to answer your phone? Not even for Stiles’ number? Okay well it’s me Scott. Stiles is in the hospital. He took some shit and mixed it with some of his dad’s whiskey. Anyways, figured you would want to know since you know he was in love with you. _

 

Derek is numb. He doesn’t know what to say. He feels his chest constrict. Derek has never had a panic attack, but he is sure this is one. He can’t breathe and everytime he tries it hurts beyond measure. His vision starts to go out. He tries to remember all the things he has seen Stiles do whenever he panics. 

 

Derek tries to focus on one thing, his hands. He remembers Stiles always counting his fingers to help control his breathing. Stiles. 

 

That thought erupts into memory upon memory coursing through his brain. Derek closes his eyes in the vain hope that his panic will subside and the memories will too.

 

_ Dude that was Derek Hale! _

 

_ I’m not afraid of you. Okay maybe I am. Doesn’t matter. _

 

_ I don't think you should be barking orders with the way you look, okay? In fact, I think if I wanted to, I could probably drag your little werewolf ass out into the middle of the road and leave you for dead. _

 

_ Don’t be such a sourwolf. _

 

_ Abominable snowman. But, uh, it's more of, like, a wintertime thing, you know, seasonal. _

 

_ Okay, big guy. Let´s see it. Let´s see that fist. Big ol´ fist. Make it. Come on. Get it out there. Don´t be scared. Big bad wolf. _

 

_ Me, be quiet? Me, huh? You're telling me what to do now? When your psychotic, mass murdering girlfriend, the second one, you've dated, by the way, has gotten my dad somewhere tied up where he'll be ritually sacrificed? _

 

As the final memory flashes through his brain Derek feels the panic subside a bit. His breaths come more easily. He slowly starts to see his dashboard come back into focus. Once his breathing has slowed down Derek finds it in himself to call Scott back.

 

“Derek?” Scott’s voice sounds frantic.

 

“Yeah. Stiles?” Derek’s mind wants to ask so much more but, he can barely get the words out. 

 

“He’s in a coma. He took a ton of shit dude. He’s been a mess the last few months since you left.”

 

“How bad is it?”

 

“The doctors don’t expect him to make it through the night.” Scott’s voice is choking up and his next words barely come out audibly. “Where are you?”

 

“Currently I am in the outskirts of Chicago. If you need me to I can probably hop a plane.” Derek, doesn’t really want to give it away that he is already checking flights on his phone while talking.

 

“Do whatever the fuck you want man. I just thought maybe you would care more, but clearly you don’t so sorry I wasted my time.” Scott’s anger is sudden and he hangs up on Derek before Derek can correct him.

 

Derek feels his emotions starting to well up to the surface and so to stop them he turns on his air full blast. He thinks that the cold air will stop the tears from pouring out of his eyes. He can’t afford to breakdown right now. There is too much at stake. All of his earlier issues with himself are thrown out the window because despite how he feels, Stiles needs him desperately. Derek needs to be there for him. Despite it all Derek does love him more than any one other person in his life.

 

As he waits for the red eye flight to start boarding, Derek once again thinks of his life and how he just wants to shield Stiles from it all. He wishes that he could’ve stopped Stiles from ever reaching this point. If Derek had never entered his life he never would have gotten surrounded by the dangers of the supernatural. The Nogitsune never would have taken over Stiles’ soul because the pack never would have had to do the ritual that brought the spirit forth. 

 

Derek knows that if he were to talk about all of this with Cora she would give him an exasperated sigh and tell him that he’s a broken record about thinking that he has that much power over life. She would tell him that he is being ridiculous for even thinking that he could influence anyone’s life that extensively. 

 

Even though logically he knows that it’s not all his fault that all these things have happened to Stiles he can’t think logically when it’s Stiles. His wolf rules his thoughts and his emotions making all his reactions irrational and based on his fears of love. 

 

As Derek gets settled into his seat on the plane the memory of his last conversation with Stiles floods in. 

 

_ “Stiles I can’t do this. It isn’t fair to you. You deserve better.” Derek pulls away from Stiles’ embrace. _

 

_ The younger man looked really broken by Derek’s simple words. In a matter of minutes Derek watched as he went from being hopeful and holding the world to looking like the world was now weighing down on his shoulders. Derek hated that he caused that, but the alternative was just as bad. They would be happy for a while but, eventually it would end in despair or destruction. _

 

_ “So then why’d you do it? Why’d you kiss me?” Stiles finally finds his voice and it breaks Derek’s heart even more because he hears the tears that remain unshed. _

 

_ “I thought that I could convince myself that we could do this and that it wouldn’t end badly.” Derek mumbles, staring at his shoes instead of at Stiles. _

 

_ “What could possibly be bad about this?” Stiles’ voice is pleading and causes Derek to finally look up and see the desperation in Stiles’ eyes. _

 

_ “All I ever do is cause pain and ruin people’s lives. I’m no good for you.” Derek begs Stiles to understand with a hard look. _

 

_ “Don’t you think I should be the one to make that decision for myself?” Stiles asks, reaching his arm out to make contact with Derek’s.  _

 

_ “Just. Don’t Stiles. I can’t do this. It’s too painful. I’m sorry.” Derek pulls back from Stiles’ reach and turns to leave. _

 

_ “Will I ever see you again?” Stiles’ words follow him as he walks away. Haunts him. Derek doesn’t turn back or respond. _

 

A touch on his shoulder wakes him up and brings him back to the present. It is a flight attendant. She is smiling softly at him and saying something. Derek shakes himself to release himself from the residual fog of sleep.

 

“What?” Derek asks the flight attendant, Flora by the looks of her nametag.

 

“We are about to land. We ask that you put your seat back into the upright position.” Flora gives him another smile and pats him lightly on the shoulder.

 

“Ah. Sorry, I’ll do that right away.” Derek smiles at her and puts his chair back into the correct position.

 

Derek shakes his arms and stretches his neck as he feels the plane descend towards the airport. He waits impatiently for the announcement saying they could turn their phones back on. He holds out hope that Scott may have at least called with an update. However, judging by how Scott and he left things he doesn’t find it very likely. 

  
  


After what seems like hours Derek is finally pulling into an empty parking space in the lot across the street from the front entrance of the hospital. He pulls out his phone as he walks towards the door and shoots a quick text to Scott telling him that he was here and wanted to know where he could find Stiles. Derek gets to the front desk where he is stopped by the intake secretary there. He is about to state his name and Stiles’ when he hears a distant ding of the elevator. He looks up and sees Scott approaching him.

 

“So you actually showed up.” Scott sneers, clearly not the least bit happy about it.

 

“How is he?” Derek ignores Scott’s attitude and the judgment in his tone.

 

“Why the fuck do you care?” Scott glares at Derek, his temper rising. 

 

“Could we not right now? I just flew 3 hours to get here for him. I would appreciate it if you would let me know how he is.” Derek gives Scott the grilling stare of an alpha to a beta even though their roles are the opposite. 

 

“He fucking overdosed Derek! How do you think he is?! You fucking left! That means you gave up any right to know.” Scott is not backing down or giving in to Derek’s authority.

 

“Then why did you even call me? Huh?” Derek is trying his hardest not to go full on wolf right now, in fact his palms are surely bleeding from the digging of his claws into his skin.

 

“Because his dad told me to. Because he left a poem he wrote out on his desk and it mentioned you. Because I honestly didn’t think you cared enough to even come back. After all you left him.” Scott is also clearly trying to control his wolf.

 

“Could I get you guys to please take this somewhere else?” the secretary at the desk says gently, breaking the angry silence that had fallen between them.

 

With a sigh Scott walks off towards the elevators. When Derek doesn’t follow he instructs him to get his ass over to the elevators. 

 

“One thing you should know before you get there. Right now he is more machine than Stiles. When I say he took a ton of shit I mean he took a ton of shit. The doctors found considerable amounts of Adderall and Xanax in his system. Mix that with the alcohol and you have a deadly combination.”

 

“How long?” Derek whispers when he realizes Scott is done talking.

 

“Honestly? Since a little before you left I think. Only it wasn’t as bad then. It was just extra adderall to keep him from falling asleep. Then you left and it just got worse and worse. I suspected something was up but, I didn’t do anything because I figured he would talk to me about it eventually.”

 

“Stiles doesn’t talk. He masks.” Derek says simply as they head off of the elevator and towards Stiles’ room which is in the ICU.

 

“Oh if they ask you are his cousin, Miguel. Otherwise they won’t let you visit.” Scott throws over his shoulder in a manner that tells Derek he’s only giving up the information reluctantly. 

 

Derek smiles at the memory of the first time Stiles had called him his cousin. It had been a ploy to get Danny to do some hacking for them. If it had been anyone other than Stiles, Derek would’ve ripped their throat out with his teeth for calling him Miguel.

 

When they get within an inch of Stiles’ room Derek has his first view of him. What he sees breaks his heart. Stiles looks so small and helpless just lying there in that bed not even breathing on his own. Derek feels the walls closing in on him. He struggles, once again, to breathe. 

 

_ Stiles is dying. It’s all his fault. _

 

Those words run on a loop through his head. He once again fucked up the life of someone he loved. It was inescapable. If Derek stuck around people got hurt. If he left people still got hurt as a result. It’s like he can’t even win. 

  
  


For the next hour Derek doesn’t move from his spot on the windowsill. He obsessively watches the numbers on all the machines next to Stiles’ bed. He watches his heart rate stay steady and the respirator push air into his lungs and back out of them. His face remains stoic and unreadable, but under the surface a battle rages. No one has ever affected him like Stiles does. While he wants to save Stiles from himself he also knows that he is the cause of Stiles’ current predicament. If he had only paid more attention to Stiles’ needs instead of his own Stiles’ addiction could have been prevented. The guilt starts to overpower Derek. 

 

He looks away from Stiles and sees that Scott has since left the room, probably to go to school or work. Derek doesn’t even know what day it is. Derek realizes he is the only one in the room. His desire to flee in order to escape the guilt in his chest is getting stronger by the second, but his wolf is refusing to allow him to move. His wolf keeps telling him, “don’t leave him here alone.” Derek realizes he is standing up and slowly gravitating towards the bed when suddenly the machine measuring Stiles’ heart rate starts screeching out whistles of warning. It sends Derek into defense mode. His wolf coming to the surface. 

 

He feels his canines elongating and his claws coming out just as nurses and a doctor comes rushing in. Then Derek is shielded from viewing the bed by a big solid mass. He growls in warning and he hears a voice he recognizes.

 

“Breathe son. You are no good to anyone in this state. You need to calm down so they don’t realize your secret.” the voice is full of exhaustion and sadness, but Derek can also hear the compassion and care Sheriff Stilinski still holds towards Derek. 

 

Derek gasps and closes his eyes to try and ground himself. He seeks out the one heartbeat that matters. The one sound in the onslaught of other sounds going on around him. He drowns out the piercing bells and whistles and looks for the one sign of life he needs so much more desperately than he ever thought. Just as he is about to give up and just collapse to the floor he hears it. 

 

Thump. Thump. Thump. 

 

Stiles heart is back to beating normally. Derek takes a deep breath and feels his wolf settle down. He feels his claws retreating back into his fingers and his hairline recedes again. His teeth take a little longer to return to normal but, after a few more steadying breaths he manages it. Once he feels under control once more, Derek opens his eyes and gets the full onslaught of still leaning on the chest of Sheriff Stilinski.

 

“You ok, son?” Sheriff asks softly, his voice dripping with concern.

 

“Shouldn’t you be more worried about your actual son?” Derek tries to deflect.

 

“He’s fine. The doctors helped him. You however, went into full on wolf mode in seconds. So, I’m more concerned about you right now.” The sheriff gives Derek a look that he imagines Stiles has gotten many times. 

 

“Why? I left.” Derek mumbles, turning his gaze to the floor instead of Stilinski’s eyes.

 

“You needed your space. I don’t blame you for that. You don’t owe my son anything. This stuff isn’t your fault.” Stilinski whispers, placing his hand on Derek’s shoulder and giving it a slight squeeze.

 

“You have every right to hate me. I do. If not for me your son would have never been involved in any of this stuff.” 

 

“You think that if it weren’t for you my son wouldn’t have ever been mixed up with the supernatural? Derek, we live in freaking Beacon Hills and Stiles can never leave well enough alone. He would have found himself mixed up eventually.” Stilinski’s voice remains calm and fatherly. 

 

“I left though. He asked me to stay and I left.” Derek sighs, the tears threatening to finally make an appearance.

 

“I am only going to say this one more time. None of this is your fault. Got it?” his voice has turned stern and his grip on Derek’s shoulder becomes stronger, forcing Derek to look up.

 

Derek nods silently and Sheriff Stilinski releases his grip. He rubs Derek on the back and nods towards the bed telling Derek to approach it without saying a single word. It’s as if he knows how Derek is really feeling about his son. 

 

Derek sits in the chair next to Stiles’ bed and grabs Stiles’ hand. In that moment the fear and tears he had been holding back breaks to the surface. He brings Stiles’ hand to his face and begins to sob. All of his guilt that he had just told Sheriff Stilinski he no longer held onto comes bubbling out in between the sobs.

 

“I am so sorry, Stiles. I never meant for this to happen. You deserved better.”

 

Derek continues crying silently as he watches the machines continue to work at keeping Stiles alive. Derek’s tears stream down his face as he does a visual check of Stiles. He lets his hand roam from Stiles’ soft brown hair to his cheeks. His thumb lingers over the corner of Stiles’ mouth, wishing he could run his finger over all of his lips. His regret, over not letting himself give in when they had shared a kiss mere months ago, almost overpowers him again. He moves his hand down Stiles’ neck, tracing over each of his little moles. The cloth of his hospital gown is starchy and rough, Derek can only imagine how uncomfortable it must be. His hand roams back down Stiles’ arm to his hand once more. Derek sighs.

 

“Oh Stiles. You have to wake up. You have to be alright.” Derek places a kiss onto Stiles’ hand in his hand.

 

Derek sniffs and wipes his hand over his cheeks to get rid of his tears. Then without another word he gets up and walks out of the room. His guilt is getting to be unbearable for him. So, he decides leaving is the best idea. He runs into Sheriff Stilinski and Scott on his way down the hall.

 

“I can’t stay. It’s just hard seeing him like that. I’m not leaving town, but I just can’t watch him like that everyday. If he gets better and wakes up please let me know. I just can’t sit and watch someone else I lo-- I mean someone else I care about die before my eyes.” Derek mumbles in their general direction when Stilinski stops him from continuing past them.

 

“Ok.” Sheriff Stilinski replies quietly. He doesn’t ask any questions. His voice tells Derek that he understands. 

As Derek walks away he hears Scott scoff snidely and hears the sheriff chide him for being rude. 

  
  
  


**A week later:**

Derek had spent the last week trying to avoid thinking about Stiles. He hadn’t heard anything from Sheriff Stilinski besides the daily text telling him Stiles was still hanging on. He had already rearranged all of the furniture in his entire loft. 

 

Today his plan was to repaint his room a color other than black. He was debating between navy blue and a dark crimson when his phone rings. He puts down the paintbrush and grabs his phone from the bedside table. 

 

“Hello.” Derek answers the phone without even looking to see who it is.

 

“Derek, Stiles is starting to stir. The doctor thinks he should be coming out of his coma sometime today.” the Sheriff’s voice is airy and full of hope. 

 

“Okay. I can be at the hospital in about fifteen minutes.” Derek replies sounding equally hopeful. 

 

He hangs up the phone and rushes to put on clothes that are presentable enough for the hospital. He isn’t sure how he is going to react once Stiles is awake, but he does know that seeing him awake is something he’s been anxious about all week.

 

In what seemed like mere seconds Derek was walking up the hall towards Stiles’ room. As he draws closer his feet slow down to a crawl. What if Stiles doesn’t even want to see him? What if Stiles doesn’t remember who he is? What if Stiles never wants him to leave? 

 

Derek’s mind is racing and he has no clue how to slow it down. Stiles means so much to him that he wants this reunion to be as painless and comfortable as possible. He stops just outside the room, he knows that Stiles is awake now because he hears his voice, croaky from lack of use but his voice just the same.

 

Derek stands in the doorway. His relief at seeing Stiles sitting up in bed and seemingly okay washes over him making it impossible for him to properly move. He can feel the tears welling up in his eyes. He forces himself to not cry and instead focus on the young man before him that is clearly going to be okay.

 

“Derek? I thought you left.” Stiles’ words are short but, they cut deep.

 

“I-I uh, I came back.” Derek stammers; still not moving from the doorway.

 

“Well, too little too late.” Stiles’ demeanor made such an abrupt change that it gives Derek whiplash. Even Stiles’ father doesn’t know how to respond to his son’s sudden display of rudeness.

 

It is Scott who is first to find his voice in response to Stiles.

 

“You know Derek stayed by your side quite a bit when you were in a coma. He flew all the way here from Chicago when it happened.” Scott gives Derek a look that says he’s got his back.

 

“Yeah, well where was he when I asked him to stay a few months ago?” Stiles crosses his arms and stares defiantly at Derek. “He was too busy walking away.” 

 

“People change.” Derek finally finds his voice enough to add his two cents.

 

“Clearly we all do.” Stiles huffs. “Now I’m gonna pull a you and demand that you leave.”

 

“Stiles.” Sheriff Stilinski finally speaks up. His voice is a clear indicator that he doesn’t approve of the attitude Stiles has adopted. 

 

“No, it’s okay.” Derek replies softly. “I’ll leave. It’s what he wants.”

 

Derek doesn’t wait for anyone else to speak before turning around and walking away. The further he walks the heavier his heart gets. Sure it was the most he could truly expect after all he’d put Stiles through, but it didn’t mean that it didn’t still pack a punch. Derek fights back the tears as he gets on the elevator and heads back to his car.

**3 Months Later:**

Derek smiles as he watches Scott and Isaac scuffle with each other in training. The last few months had been tough knowing that Stiles was out of the hospital and okay but not wanting to see Derek. He could ask Scott for any news on Stiles, but he didn’t because things were already tentative between them as it was. Scott had only just came back to him for training help two months ago.

 

_ Derek was working on rebuilding his parents’ old home one warm California day when Scott drove up in his mom’s beat up car. Derek stops sanding the door he was planning on making the front door and straightens up; watching Scott approach. _

 

_ “Hey Derek.” Scott’s voice sounds nervous, like he’s not sure he’s allowed to be there. _

 

_ “What do you need Scott.” Derek replies with a stiff voice, turning back to his task of sanding the door. _

 

_ “I was, uh, wondering if you would be willing to help Isaac and I train again. I mean you are back for good right?” Scott nervously shuffles his feet and bites his lips.  _

 

_ “On one condition.” Derek doesn’t even look up from his work. _

 

_ “What’s that?” Scott’s voice is dripping with unmasked hope. _

 

_ “You explain why you stood up for me with Stiles when you did nothing but tear into me before he woke up. And then we never talk about Stiles again.” Derek finally puts down his sander and stepping closer to Scott. _

 

_ “Because I knew how much he needed you. I didn’t think my anger would help. I was looking out for him, not you.” Scott says his eyes looking warily towards Derek as if he expected Derek to throw him out for his answer. _

 

_ “Okay. Training starts tomorrow at 8am sharp.” Derek says and then turns back to his task, silently dismissing Scott. _

 

After that day Scott and Isaac would come to the preserve every other day for training. On the days that they weren’t training sometimes Scott would stay away and sometimes he would actually help with the rebuild project. 

 

Today’s plan was that they would train for a bit and then start to put the finishing touches to the new roof. Or at least it was until a familiar jeep came barreling up the preserve road. All three wolves perked up the second they could hear the vehicle down the road. Derek knew in a second who’s car it was and that alone made his heart skip a beat. Isaac didn’t seem to notice Derek’s change in heart rate, but Scott certainly did.

 

“Hey, Isaac. Why don’t we go and get a drink.” Scott grabs the blonde teen’s arm and starts dragging him before Isaac even has a chance to process his words.

 

“Scott.” Derek says sternly in warning. He doesn’t want to be left alone with Stiles. Especially not after how they had left things.

 

“Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. It’s Stiles.” Scott gives Derek a reassuring smile and his eyes light up, it’s as if he knew this was going to happen.

 

“You totally knew he was coming didn’t you?” Derek hisses in shock at Scott as the young man turns back towards the house and doesn’t give Derek a response.

 

Just then Stiles’ jeep comes to a stop a mere ten feet from Derek. It’s as if his arrival has taken all the crisp clean air out of the area. Derek feels his chest tighten and he clinches his fists in preparation for a fight. He thought he was over Stiles’ rejection from a few months ago, but if his automatic response to his presence was anything to go on he clearly wasn’t. 

 

Stiles climbs out of his jeep. He looks different. He is more antsy than before, more unsure of himself. He automatically crosses his left hand over to his right arm and clings tight to it. His eyes shift around, not ever landing on Derek for longer than two seconds. He isn’t the Stiles Derek remembers. For a moment he wonders if it’s from just the overdose/addiction problem or if it’s that combined with residual from being the Nogitsune.

 

While Derek waits for Stiles to speak first he moves towards the big pile of roof tiles that need to be placed. He feels Stiles’ presence follow him at a distance. Just as Derek is grabbing a few tiles to carry up the ladder to the actual roof, Stiles utters his first words.

 

“Hey Derek.” Stiles is clearly nervous. His voice squeaks a bit and comes out barely above the volume of a whisper.

 

Derek doesn’t respond. Instead he keeps doing what he is doing. He doesn’t even look at Stiles. It is hard for him to not look at Stiles. It’s torture for him to not grab Stiles into his arms right on the spot. However, he knows that he can’t fall into a sense of false security. He needs to stay on his toes with Stiles. He has no idea how Stiles is doing now and he can’t be the one to fix him.

 

“Will you at least look at me?” Stiles’ words are pleading and they wrap themselves tightly around Derek’s heart.

 

With a sigh Derek looks up and raises his eyebrows at Stiles. It’s as if he is saying ‘there I looked at you, you happy?’. 

 

“Can you at least say something? I’m kinda dying out here not knowing what you think, Derek.” Stiles whispers with a small chuckle at the end, his eyes searching.

 

“Don’t.” Derek puts up his hands and backs away a bit. “You don’t get to come back into my life expecting me to just open my arms.” Derek’s anger surprises even him.

 

“We both made mistakes.” Stiles steps towards Derek.

 

“Is that all this is to you?” Derek scoffs, his anger still blazing in his eyes.

 

“I’m very confused by you Derek. I don’t know why you are so angry.” Stiles stops moving, his eyes failing to show his shock and lack of understanding.

 

“You don’t understand why I’m angry? YOU ALMOST DIED STILES! I WATCHED YOUR HEART STOP! Then you come here three months after dismissing me and crack a joke about dying because I won’t talk to you. Goodbye Stiles.” Derek lets all of his feelings out in a torrent of words. His fists are clenched at his side and he can feel his wolf coming to the surface. He decides to do the only logical thing he can think of in the moment. He lets the transformation take over.

 

Without another word to Stiles, Derek turns on his tail and runs towards the thicket of trees behind him. Derek chucks off his shirt and shoes as he runs and feels the wolf coming out more and more. 

 

When Derek returns an hour later Stiles is gone, but Scott and Isaac remain. In fact, they are hard at work on the roof. Scott is passing tiles up to Isaac as he attaches them to the structure.

 

“Scott and Isaac, come over here.” Derek says in his normal voice. He isn’t upset with the two other wolves, but he does need an explanation.

 

“I had nothing to do with this Derek. I swear.” Isaac says the minute he is by Derek.

 

“He really didn’t. This was all me. I told Stiles it would be okay to come by. I thought maybe you’d be okay with it.” Scott is anxious and nervously hanging his head, but his eyes are looking up at Derek.

 

“What made you think that would be okay?” Derek is trying his hardest to not lose his temper.

 

“I just figured that maybe if you saw how good he was doing then maybe you’d be willing to talk.” Scott shrugs his shoulders.

 

“What part of ‘don’t talk about Stiles’ did you think would lead to me being open to a visit from him?” Derek’s voice is stern, but soft.

 

“I’m sorry. He really is trying though. He’s turned stuff around. He’s been in rehab and getting professional help.” Scott uses this conversation window as an opportunity to share with Derek things about Stiles he has kept bottled up this whole time.

 

“That may be but, I’m still not ready to deal with him.” Derek starts to walk over to the house to work.

 

“Really Derek?! Really? Why do you keep walking away from him? You give an inch and then run a mile away. I don’t understand.” Scott yells after the born wolf.

 

“That’s right Scott, you don’t understand. Now let's quit talking and do a bit of work.” Derek dismisses the discussion with his tone.

 

The three of them work together silently for the next few hours. Derek doesn’t look up much from where he is attaching tiles, but he can tell just from his senses that Isaac and Scott feel on edge. Just before sundown Derek finally looks up and lets them know he is done for the day.

 

Derek is packing his tools into his newly purchased SUV, he’d decided just to leave his Camaro to a friend of his in Chicago where he had left it, when Scott approaches with his hands up in surrender.

 

“I want to say something to you, but I don’t want you to take offense or be angry at me.” Scott says not letting him or Derek break eye contact.

 

Derek sighs and Scott takes that as the okay for him to continue with his whole spiel. 

 

“So, you are angry at Stiles because he came back after dismissing you. He came back acting a little ‘devil may care’ which rubs you the wrong way. However, if I remember correctly you did something similar to him about six months ago when you left him. You not only left him but, you gave him this idea that you guys had a chance of something together and then you abandon him. Leaving him a mess which led to his overdose. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he dismissed you because he felt guilty? No, all that mattered to you was that you came back for him and he didn’t care. Well news flash Derek, you fucked up too. So don’t be acting like you are all high and mighty for coming back and getting rejected.” Scott keeps his anger in check for the sake of Derek, but one look and it’s easy to see that he wants nothing more than to clean the floor with Derek.

 

Derek processes Scott’s words in silence as Scott starts to walk towards his car. He finds his voice just as Scott opens the door.

 

“Did you ever think that maybe I felt guilty too?” Derek says at a volume he knows Scott will still hear.

 

“Then you need to figure out how to tell him that. As it stands, Stiles is feeling like all he ever does is fuck up which is why you won’t talk to him.” Scott says before getting in his car and driving away.

 

“He’s right you know.” Isaac says softly from his spot on the lawn nearest Derek’s vehicle.

 

“Isaac, I had no idea you were there.” Derek says, turning to the beta teen who still looked to Derek as his Alpha.

 

“Most really ever do.” Isaac says with a hint of sadness in his voice.

 

“Get in. You can stay with me. Unless you’d rather chill with Argent.” Derek says with a knowing smile.

 

Isaac clambers into Derek’s SUV without another sound. He wasn’t much of a talker anyways so his silence doesn’t surprise the older man. As they drive towards the loft in silence Derek can’t help thinking over everything that had been said that day. Between Stiles and Scott’s words he had a lot to think about. 

 

Derek knew that he had guilt of his own, but he had never really thought about Stiles having some. Scott hadn’t lied when he said that Derek had only thought of himself. He was so selfish. If he hadn’t been that selfish maybe so many others would have been spared the pain and suffering caused by knowing him.

 

“God you are so loud.” Isaac says barely above a whisper as they pull into the parking lot of Derek’s loft.

 

“What?” Derek pulls himself out of his thoughts and stares at Isaac.

 

“Your thoughts are so loud.” Isaac repeats, he gives Derek a hard look.

 

The two wolves get out without another word. In fact, they don’t speak again until Derek closes his loft door behind them. 

 

“Okay. You clearly have some thoughts about this,” Derek swipes his arms out wide to the general air around them. “So please enlighten me.”

 

“Don’t get me involved.” Isaac tries to deflect any involvement in Derek’s current situation.

 

“Isaac.” Derek gives him a hard look.

 

Isaac paces the loft, not looking at Derek. He seems to be thinking things over. Derek wants desperately to stop him and demand he talk to him, but he knows that Isaac needs time. So he gives it to him. He goes into his room and changes out of his sweaty clothes. He glances over at the paint buckets, still untouched from months ago when he first had the idea to repaint. Derek makes a mental note to get the room actually painted this weekend.

 

Once he is changed and cleaned up he goes back out into the main area of the loft. Isaac is sitting on the couch texting on his phone. Derek quietly approaches the young man and sits down the couch from him.

 

The first one to speak is Isaac. “You love him.” Isaac has turned to look towards Derek as he speaks.

 

“Excuse me?” Derek turns and looks into Isaac’s eyes.

 

“Stiles. You love him. It’s the only reason I can think of for why he gets under your skin so much.” Isaac says softly, his blue eyes boring into Derek’s.

 

“I’m just upset that he thought he could make light of what happened to him.” Derek deflects.

 

“Derek. This is me. I can tell when you’re lying. You’re my alpha.” Isaac levels at him.

 

Derek stares down at his hands unsure how to tell Isaac everything he desperately wants to say. He can’t because the fear is stronger than his desire to voice his heart. Before he knows it he feels a soft hand land on his shoulder. He looks up and sees that Isaac has moved over on the couch til he is right next to Derek.

 

“I’m probably the only person in your life who will not judge you or say anything about how you really feel.” Isaac says, his tone still that soft baritone that instills calm and patience.

 

“I don’t know how.” Derek finally says after minutes pass without a word said between them.

 

“Take your time. Just talk when you are ready.” Isaac squeezes Derek’s shoulder reassuringly.

 

The two sit in silence for what seems like hours. Derek bites his lip and even opens his mouth to talk but, no words come. So they remain there in silence. They only break out of it when Derek hears a beep from his room up the stairs. Without a word he stands up and goes upstairs to grab the phone. 

 

He looks at the phone and sees that he has a new voice message.

 

Derek doesn’t know what to think. It could be Scott. It could even be Stiles. He can’t decide if he really wants to deal with that right now. So he walks back downstairs and sits back down on the couch.

 

“What’s up?” Isaac says once Derek is settled down again.

 

“Got a new voicemail.” Derek mumbles.

 

“From Stiles?” Isaac asks tentatively.

 

“No idea.” Derek shrugs.

 

“Maybe you should listen then.” Isaac says and stands up to walk away and give Derek space.

 

Derek gives him a look that conveys thanks before pressing the button to listen to the message.

 

_ Derek. It’s me Stiles. I know you don’t want to see me or talk to me. I know it’s hard to see me after everything. After what I did. I’d hate me too. I promise you I am trying to get better. I haven’t touched drugs or alcohol in months. This is the last time you will hear from me until you are ready to talk. You know where to find me. Again I’m sorry. _

 

Derek listens as the automated voice comes on asking him what he wishes to do with the message. Call the person back, delete the message, or save. He hesitates before selecting the option to save it. He doesn’t realize he was still sitting on the couch and that the sun had set, until Isaac approaches him.

 

“I have to go. Chris expects me back before 9, especially on a school night. You gonna be okay?” Isaac says timidly.

 

“Yeah. I’m good.” Derek mumbles without looking at his beta.

 

“Seriously think about talking to him.” Isaac says as a way of goodbye before walking out of the loft.

 

Derek goes to bed that night still mulling over the words that Stiles had said between the personal visit and the call. Could he trust himself to open up like that again? Could he really have someone like Paige in his heart again? As a way to help him make a decision Derek thinks of what his mother would have said to him.

 

_ Derek, my son. You have to let others into your heart if you ever want to truly live. Knowing and experiencing love is the greatest feeling in the world, even if the idea scares you to death. _

 

Derek closes his eyes and drifts into sleep with the thought of his mom and Stiles running rampant through his brain. 

  
  
  


“Yo! Derek, what’s up!” Scott answers his phone with an attitude that is way too chipper for how early in the day it is.

 

“I was wondering if you would come by the preserve today and help. I know it’s not one of your usual days and that it’s a Saturday, but I really could use the help. I’d ask Isaac but, Argent took him out of town for the weekend.” Derek is quick and to the point as he pours himself a cup of coffee.

 

It had been weeks since Stiles’ last phone call. Derek still hadn’t managed to gain the courage to call him up and talk to him. He wanted desperately to make things right, but every time he picked up his phone to do just that he thought better of it. Too much time had passed. The issues between him and Stiles were too great.

 

“On one condition, and I know you may not like it, but hear me out anyways.” Scott replies, his voice clearly on edge.

 

“What.” Derek is wary of Scott’s condition, considering it is Scott.

 

“Stiles comes with me. He needs the distraction. It helps him with his recovery. Lately he’s been filing for the Sheriff’s office, but honestly he needs something more active to do. Besides I think the time spent in each other’s orbit would be great for both of you. This avoiding each other isn’t working.” Scott has always been the ultimate friend and pack leader. Today was definitely no different.

 

Derek doesn’t answer right away. He rubs his hand along his forehead trying to decide if letting Stiles help on the house is a good idea or not. After a long moment of silence, Derek decides that the worst thing that could happen was they end up hating each other and not want to be around each other. It would suck, but Derek could handle that consequence.

 

“Okay. Come by in an hour. I’ll be there setting up.” Derek says finally and then hangs up the phone before Scott can reply.

 

By the time Derek has moved all the paint from his SUV to the house, Scott arrives with a very timid Stiles. Derek can’t help noticing just how different Stiles is now versus how he was before the Nogitsune and Alison’s death. If working on Derek’s family home will help to bring the old Stiles back he is more than willing to go out of his way to make it comfortable for him. 

 

Derek walks towards the teens and gives a smile. He softly placed his hand on Scott’s shoulder. He had thought of putting a hand on Stiles’ shoulder for comfort, but the way Stiles was shying away from even Scott’s touch told him that it wouldn’t be well received.

 

“So, I am starting on the painting today. I figured the more hands doing painting, the faster this would go. It’s the last step before I start putting in furniture.” Derek moves back towards the house and asks the boys to follow through his movements instead of his words.

 

As they are walking Derek can’t help but hear Stiles and Scott whispering. 

 

“He doesn’t want me around. Why’d you bring me here?” Stiles whines at Scott. Derek can practically hear the grump in his voice.

 

Derek pretends he didn’t hear anything and stiffly hands them their own bucket of paint and painting tools. He points at the front room and then turns around and heads upstairs. What they don’t know though is he continues to listen to them talk as he heads up the stairs and once he reaches the landing.

 

“Because painting gives you something to do. Keeps your mind from going places it doesn’t need to.” Scott says, the sounds after tell Derek that he is opening up the paint and preparing it for the front room.

 

“I could’ve just continued filing old cases at the sheriff’s station.” Stiles mumbles. Then he goes quiet for a bit before continuing, “besides being here with him doesn’t guarantee my thoughts don’t go to dark places.”

 

“Look, I believe that this is something that will be good for both of you. Maybe it’ll convince you guys to set aside everything else and just talk.” Scott hands Stiles his brush and instructs him to start on the far side and he will tackle the close side.

 

Derek doesn’t hear another sound between the two teens for a while. In fact, the silence in the house is kind of nice. It comforts him knowing that Stiles’ familiarly warm heartbeat is slowing down and easing the longer he works. Scott was right; painting seemed to be exactly what Stiles needed to ease his mind and keep him focused. Derek is so wrapped up in his painting and thoughts that he doesn’t notice when that familiar heartbeat is getting stronger and closer. Not until it is literally at the door to the room he is in. Derek startles and looks up.

 

“Stiles. I didn’t realize you were there.” Derek finally speaks, trying to slow down his breathing and his heart.

 

“I haven’t been here for long.” Stiles’ voice is timid and quiet. His posture is as if he’s waiting for permission from Derek to be his usual spazzy self.

 

“Can I ask you something Derek?” Stiles speaks again after a long awkward silence settles between them.

 

“Only if you answer mine in return.” Derek puts down his brush and gives Stiles his full attention.

 

“Why didn’t you like me enough to stay?” Stiles’ voice catches at the end. It adds a level of emotion to the air that Derek wasn’t prepared for. Before he knows it he is crossing the space between them and reaching out to softly touch Stiles’ arm.

 

“It’s not that I didn’t like you enough. It’s that I liked you too much. I was protecting you from the monster that I am.” Derek stares at Stiles, his eyes boring into the young man’s soul. 

 

“You thought I’d see you as a monster? Derek I could never.” Stiles’ eyes and face convey his incredulity at Derek’s words.

 

“That’s just it. You never would have seen it so I saved both of us the pain of dragging out the inevitable outcome. Me hurting you or causing you harm.” Derek’s eyes drop away from Stiles’ and stare at the paint specks now littering his shoes.

 

“You’re a fucking idiot!” Stiles’ response is so off putting Derek has to take a step back. 

 

Derek doesn’t know what to say so he just stands there in shock. Stiles has never reacted to him in this way. It’s new and throws his head into a tailspin trying to figure out what it all means.

 

“Being friends with Scott puts me in more danger than you ever could.” Stiles finishes out his statement just as Derek hears Scott come bounding up the stairs.

 

“STILES! Danny just called and said Coach called an emergency lacrosse practice. We gotta go. I know you only ride the bench but, Coach said everybody so that includes you.” Scott’s voice proceeds him. 

 

As Scott steps into the doorway just behind Stiles, Derek crosses the room back to where he had been painting. Derek puts his walls back up and shoos the boys away with a simple ‘It’s fine’ when they ask if he’s okay with them leaving him in a lurch.

 

Derek doesn’t mind them leaving because Stiles’ words have left him with lots to think about. What he thought to be true about the young man was now needing to be re-evaluated. The silence allows Derek to get into a pace with his painting and his thoughts moving in tandem. 

 

If Stiles didn’t think he was a monster did that mean they had potential? Or was it just him being stupid and stubborn; telling Derek what he thinks Derek wants to hear? Whichever it was Derek had to proceed with caution because if he upset the balance too much his already tentative pack would be in shambles. If asked to choose between Stiles and Derek both Isaac and Scott would most definitely pick Stiles. Isaac more for Scott than anything. Even though Isaac saw Derek as his Alpha he was closer to Scott and would ultimately choose him. 

 

So Derek decides to just take it slow. He would encourage Stiles to come over and help with the painting and other renovations. Then he would see where it would take them. It was better not to push anything, lest he run the risk of having Stiles relapse or destroying his pack. Everything was just so complicated. Derek hated complicated.

 

Over the next week Stiles comes over everyday. Some days he is alone and some days Scott and Isaac come with him. They start off working in silence not saying anything to each other as they paint. They even work in separate rooms. Then about the middle of the week Stiles warms up. He starts with smiling a bit more. Then he starts to crack a few jokes about Derek’s surly demeanor. The first time he does that it takes Derek by such a surprise that he almost forgets to breathe.

 

Derek had been fixing the cabinets in the kitchen when Stiles had wandered in. Derek smiled at the sudden closeness of his heartbeat. There was no sweeter sound to Derek’s ears than that  _ thump. thump. thump.  _ of Stiles’ heart. 

 

“So, do werewolves ever break for lunch? Or is the lack thereof just a particular sourwolf’s thing?” Stiles’ voice rings out. It catches Derek so off guard that he moves suddenly, accidentally hitting his head on the edge of the counter. 

 

Derek winces, but refuses to show any other sign that the pain was even there. He just stares in shock at Stiles. It had been months since Derek had heard Stiles call him that very much hated name. Though now the name is music to his ears and he wants to hear Stiles call him that from now on. No matter how annoying it may eventually get, Derek wants to hear it so that he knows Stiles is okay. 

 

“What did you just call me?” Derek’s voice is tentative. He doesn’t want to scare this development of Stiles’ away. 

 

“Sourwolf. I know you hate it, but for the first time in months I actually feel like myself again.” Stiles suddenly goes a bit shy.

 

“No. No, it’s fine. I don’t mind it.” Derek is quick to reassure Stiles with his words and a soft hand on his arm.

 

“So can we get lunch?” Stiles looks up at Derek with his old energetic eyes.

 

“Sure. Curly fries? Chocolate milkshake?” Derek gives Stiles a smile to encourage him.

 

“Ugh. You know me so well!” Stiles groans as he leans into Derek’s touch.

 

The two leave the preserve and head towards the diner to get Stiles his desired foods. The whole way there Stiles talks nonstop. It’s like the floodgates have been opened. Just as they are approaching the traffic light where they turn, Derek realizes that he doesn’t mind it in the slightest that Stiles won’t shut up now. He lets a smile voluntarily grace his face as he pulls into the parking spot. Stiles gets out of the SUV and suddenly stops talking.

 

“What’s wrong?” Derek asks, concern lacing his words.

 

“I just realized I have been talking way too much.” Stiles mutters, looking at the ground.

 

“Stiles. Look at me.” Derek steps into the younger man’s personal space and grabs his chin to make Stiles look up.

 

“You haven’t really talked since the Nogitsune happened. You haven’t been yourself in almost a year. I’m not going to stop you from talking or say that you are annoying. I’m just glad you are getting back to your old self.” Derek’s words are soft and he hopes Stiles can feel the love he puts into every word.

 

“Why?” Stiles asks meekly as they sit down at their booth.

 

“Why what?” Derek quirks his eyebrow as he looks into Stiles’ eyes.

 

“Why did you come back? Other than ‘you had overdosed’.” Stiles asks, not even bothering to look at his menu.

 

Derek doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t actually know how to answer that question without creating a whole shit storm of other emotions. So he stays silent. Their conversation hits a standstill until they receive their burgers and fries. At which point Stiles eats his first bite and gives out a noise that Derek had never heard from him before. It is the type of sound that goes straight to Derek’s dick. 

 

“You have no idea how long it's been since I’ve even wanted to eat curly fries.” Stiles moans as he puts a few more into his mouth.

 

Derek still doesn’t answer because he’s afraid that if he does he will end up confessing his love for Stiles. A confession which neither of them really needs right now. So instead they finish their food in silence. Derek secretly buys a peanut butter and chocolate brownie when he pays the bill and pockets it for later. He knows how excited Stiles is gonna be to get the brownie and he can hardly wait to be the one to give it to him. 

 

When they arrive back at the house, Derek decides that they should finish painting the hallway together. He can’t get enough of Stiles’ presence now. It’s like something magical has transpired between them in the past week of working together. Whatever happened Derek liked it. He had never felt closer to Stiles than he did now.

 

They paint in silence for a little while. Then Derek finally gets the nerve to answer Stiles’ question from the diner.

 

“It was for you. Not because you overdosed, though that woke me up to all the things that I was missing. No it was for you. I needed to be near you. I couldn’t stay away any longer. Once I was near you I knew that I could never leave you again. That even if you hated me I would always stay near you. My heart and my wolf couldn’t stand not knowing how you were. So I stayed.” Derek stares at the wall he is painting all while he says this. He is afraid to look at Stiles out of fear of rejection.

 

Stiles doesn’t answer at first. The silence both terrifies Derek and comforts him. He continues to paint as if nothing was said. Then, he feels it. The touch of a brush going down his face. He turns slowly to find Stiles right next to him; his eyes alight with mischief. Derek doesn’t even have to touch his cheek to know that Stiles has just covered it with white paint. 

 

“You were getting too serious there big guy.” Stiles shrugs before stepping back and going back to painting the wall.

 

Derek wants to scream at Stiles because he just poured his heart out to him and all he wants to do is screw around. Then Scott’s words and Isaac’s words run through his head. He remembers that Stiles is scared and guilty too. 

 

“I meant every word that I said.” Derek says softly as he takes Stiles’ brush from him and puts it down. The two men are now looking each other straight in the eyes.

 

“I know.” Stiles mumbles.

 

“And?” Derek gently eggs Stiles on.

 

“I guess I always suspected you cared about me. It’s why you leaving hurt so much. I had put my whole heart into us. I had invested my whole being into us. It kept the demons at bay for those first few months after the Nogitsune. Then you left and my dam was broken and the thoughts became too much. I started taking more and more adderall to keep myself awake. Then my dad dragged me to a therapist because he thought I needed someone to talk to. So I did, a little. That doctor gave me a prescription for Xanax. I didn’t mean to overdose. I just wanted to feel like myself again. I wanted to prove to myself and everyone that I didn’t need you. That I was fine on my own.” Stiles wipes away the few tears that had fallen while he’d spoke.

 

Derek doesn’t even hesitate before his wraps his arms around Stiles and pulls him in close. His wolf is content with the feeling of Stiles’ body next to his. Derek kisses the top of Stiles’ head and whispers words of comfort as Stiles lets his emotions out. 

 

“I wanted to stay, but I was a mess too. That whole thing with Jennifer was like Kate all over again. I thought if maybe I let myself love you that it would all go away. Then I kissed you and I realized that nothing would change unless I left. So, I did what I do best. I ran. I thought that I was doing the best thing for you by leaving. All I’ve ever done is made other people suffer for my affection. Paige died for it. My family died because of my love for Kate. And you suffered because of my love for Jennifer. All I ever do is hurt people. That’s why I left.” Derek whispers as he continues to stroke Stiles’ back.

 

Stiles suddenly pulls out of the embrace and wipes away the final tears.

 

“What changed your mind?” Stiles’ question hits right at the heart of the whole issue.

 

“Your dad. When you were in your coma, he came to me and told me that none of this was my fault. That you would’ve gotten mixed up in the supernatural with or without me. For some reason his words really stuck with me. Also your rejection a few months ago helped me too. It was in that moment that I realized I needed to work on me without you before I could ever hope to be a me with you.” Derek sighs as he looks into Stiles’ eyes.

 

“So, you want to be an  _ us _ ?” Stiles asks timidly.

 

His shyness makes Derek smile. Then he pulls the young man forward and their lips connect. It’s the first time they have kissed in months. This kiss far surpasses their first one. Their lips connect in a way that Derek never thought possible. It’s as if they were always meant to kiss each other and no one else. They just fit. 

 

Derek feels his wolf coming forward and he tries his hardest to pull it back. He doesn’t want to hurt Stiles. However, he can’t stop it and so he pulls away from Stiles until he can control himself once more. However, a few seconds after he has turned away he feels soft hands on his face, urging him to turn back.

 

“Shhh. I love your wolf. You never have to hide it from me.” Stiles softly urges Derek to accept who he is.

 

“But I could hurt you.” Derek protests.

 

“Your wolf would never hurt me. I know this because I love you.” Stiles says as he pulls Derek back into a kiss.

 

They kiss for a while. In fact, it feels like days. When they finally pull away to get some air, Stiles’ face is clearly and thoroughly kissed. His hair is even messed up a bit from where Derek’s claws had torn through it. Both are smiling like they have never smiled before.

 

“I’m so sorry Stiles. I never meant to hurt you. I just meant to protect you.” Derek reaches out and touches Stiles’ face as his wolf goes back under the surface once more.

 

“You don’t have to protect me, Derek. You just have to love me.” Stiles replies. His honey colored eyes are filled with love and adoration. Derek steps closer to him so that he can truly experience all that Stiles has to offer.

 

“I do.” Derek breathes as he nuzzles Stiles’ neck. Scenting him and claiming him as his own. His love. His Stiles.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments give me life and convince me to keep up this wacky thing called writing. As always hope you enjoyed!


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